My Apologies

Dear Readers,

                I am unsure if you are aware of this.  But it has been about 3 weeks since my last post.   I am truly sorry because I know how important reading this is to you.  Here is one example of something that I would assume happened as a result of me not having made a blog post in quite some time.  So this guy named Tod is wearing massive glasses; actually, they are sunshades.  That way the sun doesn’t hit his eyes as hard.  He wears his shades and he’s at home.  He is reading all of the stuff that he enjoys reading on the internet.  He reads this interesting article explaining how Obama and Herman Caine are actually very similar (if you put their political views aside).  Then he reads preview of the upcoming movie Dora the Explora: When wrong meet’s evil, once again it’s an excellent piece.  He absolutely hates it.  It makes him angry and he says “If anything ever makes me angrier than reading that piece just made me I’m going to go to the grocery store, buy a lot of laffy taffy, go home, mix it all together and make it soft, go to Dunkin Donuts, buy some of their coffee beans, go back home, boil some water, make a lot of coffee, completely cover my body in that soft laffy taffy, and then pore that coffee onto myself.”  He then writes a legal contract stating that he will do this and signs it.  Next, he goes back to his computer and checks my blog and finds that I haven’t made a new post in quite sometimes.  I don’t need to say what he does next but I’m pretty sure we all know.  (He’s a man of his word)  So if you suffered a similar fate to Tod I am sorry.  But honestly, if you did that and don’t know what to do with the leftover laffy taffy.  Please inform me immediately.

                So now you’re probably wondering “Why is Patrick writing this?”  Seem’s like a dumb question but really, why wouldn’t I do something more productive, like write a different blog post.  Well I’ll tell you why.  You know what really grinds my gears?  When people do annoying stuff and don’t explain why they did it.  This one time I was at target, and I had a pretty large amount of stuff.  And I did my checkout and I bought my stuff.  The guy at the counter was good, you know, doing everything that needed to be done.  Until the end, he went into one of the bags he had already packed and took the gum out.  Now this really wasn’t that horrific but still, you can’t just do some weird shit like that and then not explain it.  I mean, why did this guy take the gum out of the bag.  There was literally no reason to do that.  So I decided I should explain myself to you guys.

                I have been kinda busy.  I’ve showered about 33 times since my last blog post (I keep doing this thing where I shower, and then I forget that I showered so I’ll end up showering like 3 or four times in one night once in a while)  I’ve eaten some sandwiches, some bagels, some Mac’n Cheese, a hot dog, cereal (but I use yogurt instead of milk.  Also, I had basketball practice, I revised a criminal law paper, I took some test’s, I played magic.  (I made two new decks and also I boiled my two black decks into one)  I watched some gossip girl, some 90210, and some Ringer (that show has gotten pretty bad I might stop watching it soon), I’ve watched survivor where that guy Brandon display’s absolutely no strategy, I read a lot of Shaq’s uncut story (in all seriousness it’s really good.)  And I took a nap.  Please forgive me for my inadequacies. (and for stealing your pencil.  Sorry I just can’t help it)

Post By:  Pat G.

Vampire's

So you know that guy Tod who lives 3 houses down the street from you?  He likes to read books, take long walks on the beach, frolic among the roses, and drink blood.  That’s right he’s a vampire.  It seems to me that vampires are taking over our world, you never know if your friend’s a vampire.  Between Vampire Diaries, True Blood, The Twighlight Saga, etc.  Vampires are on a crash course with world domination.  Since it seems inevitable that vampires will achieve this world domination I think it’s time society learned what to do in a vampire society.

                First, every morning you MUST put on your vampire perfume/cologne.  Vampire’s have a very strong sense of smell.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t outrun a vampire and so I think the best way to stay safe is to make the vampires think you’re one of them.  Keep in mind a vampire is more dangerous than Usher.

                Second, learn to love the taste of blood.  The vampires are going to get suspicious if they see you eating food instead of drinking blood so it’s essential that you only drink blood.  You must learn to love blood like the most interesting man loves Dos Equis.  Unless you’d rather the vampires eat your blood…

                Third, avoid confrontation.  Vampires like to settle their conflicts with mild violence, they just want to hurt each other not kill each other.  But remember that you are not a vampire.  If they attack you will die and they may even realize that you’re not a vampire and drink your blood.

                Fourth, you should probably become a spy for the werewolves.  Werewolves are loyal, and if you make yourself an asset to them you’ll have some sort of strong force protecting you.  The vampires aren’t trustworthy so you shouldn’t tell them, but you can tell the werewolves you’re not a vampire, they’ll actually be happier because they hate vampires.

                And last but not least, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU REVEAL TO A VAMPIRE THAT YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE.  I don’t care if Edward and the Cullen family ask you if you would like to play baseball with them, you can’t do anything that will show, you tell them you hurt your arm and can’t play.  If you EVER tell any vampire that you are a human you’re blood will be drank, even your best friend Tod would love to drink your blood. 

                So, when you are faced with this situation, I hope my advice will be helpful.

XOXO Gossip Girl.

Post By: Pat G.