Strange Business in the Bathroom

                Attention Attention.  Those of you who use the restroom may have received this terrible fate before and therefore you can probably relate to this.  So I went to the Restroom to urinate in the toilet.  I don’t know about you but I think that in a choice between peeing in my pants, on the floor or in the toilet: I’d choose the toilet an overwhelming majority of the time.  Anyway, I finish peeing and I go to wash my hands.  Well to go off on another tangent I just wanted to say, I saw someone else not wash his hands.  Damn commies.  Anyway, I’m sayin my A, B, C’s, doin’ my thing when I notice my pants are wet, and for a moment, I think I may have peed myself.  So I feel it, and I see that it’s cold, at least I didn’t pee myself.  But I look at the counter, and that’s wetter than a slip and slide that’s strategically placed at the bottom of a waterfall.  Some asshole wet the counter and didn’t even clean up behind himself.  This next part doesn’t really relate to the story, but I cleaned it up (yeah I’m a pretty good citizen.)  I can’t be sure but I’m confident that some guy named Tod was in the restroom earlier and he poured a bucket of water onto the countertop.  I can’t help Tod stop doing this, because it’s easy, just don’t  pour buckets of water on countertops.  I also can’t help you avoid the water because it’s all Tod’s fault, not yours.  But, I can do this: I can explain why this makes Tod the worst man ever.  (Comparable to Ellen DeGeneres)

                So first off, Tod why can’t you clean up behind yourself.  I don’t know about you but my mama taught me that other people shouldn’t have to suffer for/clean up your problems unless there is genuinely no other way.  My mother also taught me to say please and thank you to people, and to keep my elbows off of the table, and to put my napkin in my lap but not tuck it in, and which side my silverware goes on.  But Tod, you could have very easily wiped that down on your own.  Or better yet YOU COULD HAVE REFRAINED FROM POURING THAT BUCKET OF WATER ONTO THE COUNTER.

                Next, you have left a note.  I know this sounds silly, but maybe you were in a rush and didn’t have time to clean up the mess.  If that’s the case it would have been nice of you to quickly write a letter on one of the paper towels explaining the circumstance and left it on the mirror to avoid ruining the bathroom for others.  Honestly, if you knew that a basketball was going to be shot via cannon from three miles away to a basketball hoop and you needed to leave at that exact moment in order to get to the hoop in time to catch that ball for an alley-oop pass, I would have been more than happy to make that possible for you by cleaning up your mess.  Hell, I may have even left a reply note asking you if you made it in time.  But you have to let people know these things in advance.  Had you left a note, my pants would have been dry and there would be no severe harm done.

                Tod, I think I said something like this in a prior post but I gotta say it again.  A great man once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their mission’s are considered scum, but those who abandoned their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase kakashi sensei “In this modern world that we are cursed to live in, those who make/leave messes are considered scum, but those who make messes and don’t clean or leave necessary warning are worse than scum.”  On a serious note, I don’t take issue with the fact that Tod made a mess because it happens, once I spilt ice cream on the floor, the thing that frustrates me is that Tod didn’t act accordingly and his selfishness/care caused harm to someone else.  Also, it still really pisses me off that this person who shall remain nameless didn’t wash his hands.  But really, if you only take one thing from this story, than let it be this:  PERFORM YOUR CIVIC DUTY or suffer some consequences!

Borrowing Things

Alright, O.K., a few weeks ago you lent your pencil to your friend Tod during math class.  It was a pretty nice pencil, it had power rangers on it, heck or maybe it wasn’t a pencil maybe it was one of your magic the gathering cards which you are very fond of which costs about $10 to buy individually online.  Either way, your friend Tod did not return it and this makes you angry.  Well, for you I can’t help you that much, all I can say is don’t lend a pencil to Tod next time, but if your friend Tod is reading this, he’s getting some advice on how to avoid losing your magic card which you’re very fond of.  (You can relay this to your friend Tod if you feel like he may not read this.

First off, Tod, when you borrow things, return them as soon as possible.  So if you borrow your friend who is also named Tod’s magic card of which he is very fond of, return it when you’re done scanning it into your computer, and if you borrow his power ranger pencil to take notes during class, return it when you’re done taking notes in class.  It is not the responsibility of your friend whose name is also Tod to find you and get his pencil; it’s your responsibility to return it to Tod.

Next, I understand that once in a while you borrow a Pencil first period, and you actually don’t have a pencil at all for the day.  In this case you need to borrow Tod’s pencil for the whole day and can’t return it right when you’re done.  Actually, your friend Tod had a soccer game and got dismissed early and therefore you had to take his pencil home with you.  Still return it A.S.A.P., when you get home, make your supa-fly outfit for the next day and put the pencil in the pants pocket, or maybe you’re a girl and you don’t have pockets, put it in your purse.  Find a way to make sure you can’t forget to bring your friend, who’s also named Tod, his pencil.  No excuses.

Here’s the last thing you must do, WATCH OUT FOR FLYING MONKEYS!!!  Just kidding, the monkeys have nothing to do with this.  You just need to do step 1 and step 2.  Return it when you’re done, and if you can’t then, make sure you remember you’re next opportunity.  As a great ninja once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their missions are considered scum, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase him a little bit I shall say “In this wonderful world that we are so lucky to live in, those who do terrible things are considered scum, but those who forget don’t return things that they borrow are worse than scum.”  Peace out.

Post By: Pat G.

Doing Homework

So you’ve got a lot on your plate; cranberries, hotsauce, tuna, fried chicken, shrimp, fried bananas, fried ice cream, and all of the cottage cheese in your house (you’re not going to eat the cottage cheese you’re going to rub it over your body).  Along with eating all of the stuff on that plate you have a lot of things to do, you play basketball, you are the manager for the middle school basketball team, you’re the equipment manager the girls varsity basketball team,  you’re student council president, you have a blog to work on, you’re planning an assassination on Snookie, and to top it all of you are working for the Republican party.  With this much stuff to do you hardly have time to do your homework, but if you follow these guidelines, you can do it.

Rule number one, when you’re doing your homework, be doing your homework.  I know it’s tempting to be on facebook and I know how important it is that your friend Tod just put up pictures of his drivers license, but your eyes can wait to see Tod’s drivers license. ya feel me?

Next, this one is actually kind of fun but when you’re working, take breaks.  I’ve got news for you coming home at 6 O’clock and then working none stop is not the most efficient way to work, you should stop and check facebook, or watch some T.V. who knows maybe it’s Monday and Gossip Girl’s on, or perhaps it’s Tuesday and 90210/Ringer is on, or maybe Wednesday and survivor is on, or perhaps Thursday, and the secret circle is on.  (That’s my exact T.V. schedule, I don’t ever miss any of those shows, ya feel me?)

Also, this one’s kind of vague, but realize your strength’s and weaknesses when working, for instance, some people work really well in the morning, if you’re one of those people do your homework in the attic, some people work really well last minute, if you’re one of those people do your homework last minute, and some people (like me) work best while not completely focused on work.  If you’re one of those people work while watching a television show that you don’t particularly like such as magic school bus, willa’s wild world, the big bang theory, etc.  I myself just wrote a five page paper as I watched the first 4 episode’s of magic school bus.  (That’s five pages in an hour and a half because the episodes are only 22 minutes because I have it on DVD.)  All of these methods seem a bit unorthodox, but you’d be surprised at what works for you, give it a try and see which one works best for you, ya feel me?

Post By: Pat G.

Bathroom Rules

So you’re going to the bathroom to urinate, you see your friend Tod, Tod is taking a pee because he is very nervous about his upcoming presentation on Queen Elizabeth, you know the rules, you don’t look at him, you don’t  speak to him.  You just go to your urinal and start peeing.  Your urine is clear, you’ve clearly been drinking a lot of water (pun intended).  You’re emitting those bodily fluids when Tod says “Hey.”  WTF, did Tod just speak to you while you were peeing, everybody knows you do not talk to a man while he pees.  Oh wait, some people (like Tod) don’t.  Bathroom rules are a crucial thing for everyone to know.

                The first rule of bathrooms is as follows:  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  That one is pretty self-explanatory so let’s move on to the second, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I had to say it again but I think now you get it, so on to the third, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I don’t know how I can make this any clearer, you never talk to a man while he is peeing.  Actually, there is one situation where you can, if your friend Tod peeing, (his name does have to be Tod) and you see a wild panda bear preparing to eat some bamboo of which is poorly placed right in front of Tod’s face and you know for a fact that that panda will kill Tod if and only if he continues to pee then you may inform Tod of his situation, but  this is the only case under which it is acceptable to talk to a man as he pees.

                Now for the fourth rule: under no circumstances should you look at another man as he is peeing.  For this one you’re under honor code because if you’re looking at him he has to be looking at you to know that you were looking at him, but you just don’t do it (note- this rule applies to any and all looking).

                Now you’ve learned the important rules so the rest are going to be quick ones.

5.  Don’t take your pants off, I know this one sounds weird but to some people it seems necessary for your pants to be around your ankles to pee.

6.  Wash your hands.  This one’s really for you so don’t bother doing that dumb thing where you turn on the water and then turn it off really quick, everybody knows you didn’t wash your hands and you look dumb.

7.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I just felt like I needed to remind you about that one again.

8.  Never criticize a man for taking a long pee.  I know it sounds weird but when you criticize him it’s just annoying and a little weird.

9.  Even if you’re not talking to anyone, don’t make noise with your mouth in the bathroom, it’s really annoying when you’re in your zone and you hear some ass-hole named Tod humming his favorite tune, and also you may disturb the other urinaters.

10.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  If you only remember one thing from this, it better be rule number 1, 2, 3, 7, and 9.


Post By: Pat G.