Strange Business in the Bathroom

                Attention Attention.  Those of you who use the restroom may have received this terrible fate before and therefore you can probably relate to this.  So I went to the Restroom to urinate in the toilet.  I don’t know about you but I think that in a choice between peeing in my pants, on the floor or in the toilet: I’d choose the toilet an overwhelming majority of the time.  Anyway, I finish peeing and I go to wash my hands.  Well to go off on another tangent I just wanted to say, I saw someone else not wash his hands.  Damn commies.  Anyway, I’m sayin my A, B, C’s, doin’ my thing when I notice my pants are wet, and for a moment, I think I may have peed myself.  So I feel it, and I see that it’s cold, at least I didn’t pee myself.  But I look at the counter, and that’s wetter than a slip and slide that’s strategically placed at the bottom of a waterfall.  Some asshole wet the counter and didn’t even clean up behind himself.  This next part doesn’t really relate to the story, but I cleaned it up (yeah I’m a pretty good citizen.)  I can’t be sure but I’m confident that some guy named Tod was in the restroom earlier and he poured a bucket of water onto the countertop.  I can’t help Tod stop doing this, because it’s easy, just don’t  pour buckets of water on countertops.  I also can’t help you avoid the water because it’s all Tod’s fault, not yours.  But, I can do this: I can explain why this makes Tod the worst man ever.  (Comparable to Ellen DeGeneres)

                So first off, Tod why can’t you clean up behind yourself.  I don’t know about you but my mama taught me that other people shouldn’t have to suffer for/clean up your problems unless there is genuinely no other way.  My mother also taught me to say please and thank you to people, and to keep my elbows off of the table, and to put my napkin in my lap but not tuck it in, and which side my silverware goes on.  But Tod, you could have very easily wiped that down on your own.  Or better yet YOU COULD HAVE REFRAINED FROM POURING THAT BUCKET OF WATER ONTO THE COUNTER.

                Next, you have left a note.  I know this sounds silly, but maybe you were in a rush and didn’t have time to clean up the mess.  If that’s the case it would have been nice of you to quickly write a letter on one of the paper towels explaining the circumstance and left it on the mirror to avoid ruining the bathroom for others.  Honestly, if you knew that a basketball was going to be shot via cannon from three miles away to a basketball hoop and you needed to leave at that exact moment in order to get to the hoop in time to catch that ball for an alley-oop pass, I would have been more than happy to make that possible for you by cleaning up your mess.  Hell, I may have even left a reply note asking you if you made it in time.  But you have to let people know these things in advance.  Had you left a note, my pants would have been dry and there would be no severe harm done.

                Tod, I think I said something like this in a prior post but I gotta say it again.  A great man once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their mission’s are considered scum, but those who abandoned their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase kakashi sensei “In this modern world that we are cursed to live in, those who make/leave messes are considered scum, but those who make messes and don’t clean or leave necessary warning are worse than scum.”  On a serious note, I don’t take issue with the fact that Tod made a mess because it happens, once I spilt ice cream on the floor, the thing that frustrates me is that Tod didn’t act accordingly and his selfishness/care caused harm to someone else.  Also, it still really pisses me off that this person who shall remain nameless didn’t wash his hands.  But really, if you only take one thing from this story, than let it be this:  PERFORM YOUR CIVIC DUTY or suffer some consequences!

My Apologies

Dear Readers,

                I am unsure if you are aware of this.  But it has been about 3 weeks since my last post.   I am truly sorry because I know how important reading this is to you.  Here is one example of something that I would assume happened as a result of me not having made a blog post in quite some time.  So this guy named Tod is wearing massive glasses; actually, they are sunshades.  That way the sun doesn’t hit his eyes as hard.  He wears his shades and he’s at home.  He is reading all of the stuff that he enjoys reading on the internet.  He reads this interesting article explaining how Obama and Herman Caine are actually very similar (if you put their political views aside).  Then he reads preview of the upcoming movie Dora the Explora: When wrong meet’s evil, once again it’s an excellent piece.  He absolutely hates it.  It makes him angry and he says “If anything ever makes me angrier than reading that piece just made me I’m going to go to the grocery store, buy a lot of laffy taffy, go home, mix it all together and make it soft, go to Dunkin Donuts, buy some of their coffee beans, go back home, boil some water, make a lot of coffee, completely cover my body in that soft laffy taffy, and then pore that coffee onto myself.”  He then writes a legal contract stating that he will do this and signs it.  Next, he goes back to his computer and checks my blog and finds that I haven’t made a new post in quite sometimes.  I don’t need to say what he does next but I’m pretty sure we all know.  (He’s a man of his word)  So if you suffered a similar fate to Tod I am sorry.  But honestly, if you did that and don’t know what to do with the leftover laffy taffy.  Please inform me immediately.

                So now you’re probably wondering “Why is Patrick writing this?”  Seem’s like a dumb question but really, why wouldn’t I do something more productive, like write a different blog post.  Well I’ll tell you why.  You know what really grinds my gears?  When people do annoying stuff and don’t explain why they did it.  This one time I was at target, and I had a pretty large amount of stuff.  And I did my checkout and I bought my stuff.  The guy at the counter was good, you know, doing everything that needed to be done.  Until the end, he went into one of the bags he had already packed and took the gum out.  Now this really wasn’t that horrific but still, you can’t just do some weird shit like that and then not explain it.  I mean, why did this guy take the gum out of the bag.  There was literally no reason to do that.  So I decided I should explain myself to you guys.

                I have been kinda busy.  I’ve showered about 33 times since my last blog post (I keep doing this thing where I shower, and then I forget that I showered so I’ll end up showering like 3 or four times in one night once in a while)  I’ve eaten some sandwiches, some bagels, some Mac’n Cheese, a hot dog, cereal (but I use yogurt instead of milk.  Also, I had basketball practice, I revised a criminal law paper, I took some test’s, I played magic.  (I made two new decks and also I boiled my two black decks into one)  I watched some gossip girl, some 90210, and some Ringer (that show has gotten pretty bad I might stop watching it soon), I’ve watched survivor where that guy Brandon display’s absolutely no strategy, I read a lot of Shaq’s uncut story (in all seriousness it’s really good.)  And I took a nap.  Please forgive me for my inadequacies. (and for stealing your pencil.  Sorry I just can’t help it)

Post By:  Pat G.

Borrowing Things

Alright, O.K., a few weeks ago you lent your pencil to your friend Tod during math class.  It was a pretty nice pencil, it had power rangers on it, heck or maybe it wasn’t a pencil maybe it was one of your magic the gathering cards which you are very fond of which costs about $10 to buy individually online.  Either way, your friend Tod did not return it and this makes you angry.  Well, for you I can’t help you that much, all I can say is don’t lend a pencil to Tod next time, but if your friend Tod is reading this, he’s getting some advice on how to avoid losing your magic card which you’re very fond of.  (You can relay this to your friend Tod if you feel like he may not read this.

First off, Tod, when you borrow things, return them as soon as possible.  So if you borrow your friend who is also named Tod’s magic card of which he is very fond of, return it when you’re done scanning it into your computer, and if you borrow his power ranger pencil to take notes during class, return it when you’re done taking notes in class.  It is not the responsibility of your friend whose name is also Tod to find you and get his pencil; it’s your responsibility to return it to Tod.

Next, I understand that once in a while you borrow a Pencil first period, and you actually don’t have a pencil at all for the day.  In this case you need to borrow Tod’s pencil for the whole day and can’t return it right when you’re done.  Actually, your friend Tod had a soccer game and got dismissed early and therefore you had to take his pencil home with you.  Still return it A.S.A.P., when you get home, make your supa-fly outfit for the next day and put the pencil in the pants pocket, or maybe you’re a girl and you don’t have pockets, put it in your purse.  Find a way to make sure you can’t forget to bring your friend, who’s also named Tod, his pencil.  No excuses.

Here’s the last thing you must do, WATCH OUT FOR FLYING MONKEYS!!!  Just kidding, the monkeys have nothing to do with this.  You just need to do step 1 and step 2.  Return it when you’re done, and if you can’t then, make sure you remember you’re next opportunity.  As a great ninja once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their missions are considered scum, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase him a little bit I shall say “In this wonderful world that we are so lucky to live in, those who do terrible things are considered scum, but those who forget don’t return things that they borrow are worse than scum.”  Peace out.

Post By: Pat G.

Doing Homework

So you’ve got a lot on your plate; cranberries, hotsauce, tuna, fried chicken, shrimp, fried bananas, fried ice cream, and all of the cottage cheese in your house (you’re not going to eat the cottage cheese you’re going to rub it over your body).  Along with eating all of the stuff on that plate you have a lot of things to do, you play basketball, you are the manager for the middle school basketball team, you’re the equipment manager the girls varsity basketball team,  you’re student council president, you have a blog to work on, you’re planning an assassination on Snookie, and to top it all of you are working for the Republican party.  With this much stuff to do you hardly have time to do your homework, but if you follow these guidelines, you can do it.

Rule number one, when you’re doing your homework, be doing your homework.  I know it’s tempting to be on facebook and I know how important it is that your friend Tod just put up pictures of his drivers license, but your eyes can wait to see Tod’s drivers license. ya feel me?

Next, this one is actually kind of fun but when you’re working, take breaks.  I’ve got news for you coming home at 6 O’clock and then working none stop is not the most efficient way to work, you should stop and check facebook, or watch some T.V. who knows maybe it’s Monday and Gossip Girl’s on, or perhaps it’s Tuesday and 90210/Ringer is on, or maybe Wednesday and survivor is on, or perhaps Thursday, and the secret circle is on.  (That’s my exact T.V. schedule, I don’t ever miss any of those shows, ya feel me?)

Also, this one’s kind of vague, but realize your strength’s and weaknesses when working, for instance, some people work really well in the morning, if you’re one of those people do your homework in the attic, some people work really well last minute, if you’re one of those people do your homework last minute, and some people (like me) work best while not completely focused on work.  If you’re one of those people work while watching a television show that you don’t particularly like such as magic school bus, willa’s wild world, the big bang theory, etc.  I myself just wrote a five page paper as I watched the first 4 episode’s of magic school bus.  (That’s five pages in an hour and a half because the episodes are only 22 minutes because I have it on DVD.)  All of these methods seem a bit unorthodox, but you’d be surprised at what works for you, give it a try and see which one works best for you, ya feel me?

Post By: Pat G.

Quitters

     So you just recently started ballet and you’re really good at it.  You got your little twist down and you know how to work it on the ballet scene.  You haven’t been doing it long but your life has been getting progressively harder since you started workin’ the ballet stage so you think it’s time to quit.  This is something that you always do and your parents hate it, it’s something that you always do but you hate that quality about yourself more than you hate your big green shoulders, I mean people keep confusing you for the hulk, what kind of a life is that?  Anyway, quitting is a habit that you need to fix, and I can help you with a few tips to quit quitting.

    First, when you start something, it’s good to do it with friends.  For example, if I were to decide to start a business smuggling Cuban sand into America in my shoes alone I would be likely to quit when the going got tough because my only incentive would be that profit, but if I start that same business with my friend Tod who has never been able to find a way to make it in America as he has no parents or shoes to smuggle the sand in I will be less likely to quit because I won’t be able to say to Tod “I can’t do this anymore,” so generally, the more people you start things with the more likely you are to continue doing it.

     Second, don’t get an excessive early rush.  I don’t know about you but I have trouble with this one.  Every 3 to four months I find my Pokemon game and I play about 3 hours a day for a week.  After this week ends and I add a couple more level 100 pokemon (I currently have 3 full boxes (there are 30 in a box)  in my pokemon diamond, and 1 box in my pokemon black) and then I get bored and put away pokemon for the next 3 to four months.  Can you imagine if as opposed to wasting all of my time for three weeks and then getting bored if I could just play for a reasonable amount of time and do it for a couple of months.  Just to reiterate my point for those of you who got lost in the world of pokemon, it is essential not to overdo your new hobbies.

     Third, this one seems kind of obvious, but make sure to think about the hobbies you pick up.  If you start dying sheep fur pink let’s be realistic, your chances of keeping that hobby are slim.  Manage your activities an don’t start stupid ones and remember this “I pity the fool who messes with the BOSS MAN”

Hakuna Matata

Hi guys!!!! My name is Marcus, or is it Tod, or perhaps Angelo, wait a minute, it doesn’t matter.  So I’m writing this post, or should we call it a squirrel?  Will it actually be any different if it’s a squirrel or a post?  So anyway, in this squirrel I intend on addressing the issue of all this arbitrary stuff humans make.  First off, let me point out, this is pointless, but so is just about everything else, if you don’t think it matters than nothing matters, so if you don’t think this matters than IT DOES NOT MATTER.  (Let me just say I'm aware that this is kind of crazy)

                The first thing that’s obnoxious is words.  People think the difference in words actually changes things.  For example if I say squirrel and then I say Tomato.  The two things could just as easily have their names switched and nothing would be different.  A tomato would just be a little grey furry creature that has a strange obsession with nuts, and a squirrel would still be a red thing that is having trouble deciding if it’s a fruit or a vegetable.  What I’m trying to say here is not that I want you to call squirrels “tomatoes,” but I’m saying if everyone were to call squirrels tomatoes, and tomatoes squirrels nothing will change except occasionally when writing poems in iambic pentameter and you are trying to refer to that grey creature you’ll have to remember that it’s different.

                The next thing is what we see, specifically colors and this is not me making a point just sort of asking a question.  So on this blog, all of the writing is white, except some stuff is orange, and when I look at it I either see white or orange, and whenever anyone else looks at it they either see white or orange, and if we were to describe the color we would both say it’s orange.  But how can we know that we’re actually seeing the same thing.  What if all of Tod’s life (it’s an arbitrary name that we will call him) when he sees orange what he’s seeing is actually blue, but he always sees orange that way and that’s he’s always called it that.  I know this makes no sense (I do that a lot) but bear with me.  Everyone reading this imagine your favorite color (for me it’s turquoise) and think of what you call that color, and how that color looks.  Now perhaps everyone is thinking of colors with different names, but they’re picturing the exact same things.  What If everyone has the same favorite color but we don’t know that because we have all called that something different.  I know I sound crazy, and maybe I am, if you think I am comment/write a response.  And by the way, I never got around to explaining this but the title is actually suppose to mean “how do we know that we’re all really living in the same world” but I figured I’d switch the word with Hakuna Matata!!!!!

Vampire's

So you know that guy Tod who lives 3 houses down the street from you?  He likes to read books, take long walks on the beach, frolic among the roses, and drink blood.  That’s right he’s a vampire.  It seems to me that vampires are taking over our world, you never know if your friend’s a vampire.  Between Vampire Diaries, True Blood, The Twighlight Saga, etc.  Vampires are on a crash course with world domination.  Since it seems inevitable that vampires will achieve this world domination I think it’s time society learned what to do in a vampire society.

                First, every morning you MUST put on your vampire perfume/cologne.  Vampire’s have a very strong sense of smell.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t outrun a vampire and so I think the best way to stay safe is to make the vampires think you’re one of them.  Keep in mind a vampire is more dangerous than Usher.

                Second, learn to love the taste of blood.  The vampires are going to get suspicious if they see you eating food instead of drinking blood so it’s essential that you only drink blood.  You must learn to love blood like the most interesting man loves Dos Equis.  Unless you’d rather the vampires eat your blood…

                Third, avoid confrontation.  Vampires like to settle their conflicts with mild violence, they just want to hurt each other not kill each other.  But remember that you are not a vampire.  If they attack you will die and they may even realize that you’re not a vampire and drink your blood.

                Fourth, you should probably become a spy for the werewolves.  Werewolves are loyal, and if you make yourself an asset to them you’ll have some sort of strong force protecting you.  The vampires aren’t trustworthy so you shouldn’t tell them, but you can tell the werewolves you’re not a vampire, they’ll actually be happier because they hate vampires.

                And last but not least, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU REVEAL TO A VAMPIRE THAT YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE.  I don’t care if Edward and the Cullen family ask you if you would like to play baseball with them, you can’t do anything that will show, you tell them you hurt your arm and can’t play.  If you EVER tell any vampire that you are a human you’re blood will be drank, even your best friend Tod would love to drink your blood. 

                So, when you are faced with this situation, I hope my advice will be helpful.

XOXO Gossip Girl.

Post By: Pat G.