The Mighty Ducks, and Stalkers (or just Stalkers)

So you have this person who follows you around.  This person really annoys you because they think you like them when it should be painfully obvious by now that you don’t.  I mean, they follow you back to your house and stuff like that.  So you want to know how to get rid of them? Impossible, doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, your dad, or your little sister, once he (yes all stalkers do have a gender) start’s you’re stuck with him.   Here’s one perfect example of a true stalker.

It was eleven PM on a Friday night and you were getting ready to fall asleep in front of the tv, when there was a knock on your door.  Yes it could be your friend Tod, as Pat G would have you believe, but it could also be Jope.

 Jope is your 43 year old friend from Texas who was born with a rare disease where he goes through life being called Jope by everyone.  Anyways, the point is you hate your friend Jope.  Why is he your friend, you might ask.  Well, Jope is not your friend, in fact I don’t really know why you said he was, I guess you messed up there.  So Jope was there knocking.  Obviously you were already having a pretty solid Friday.  You had three good meals, waffles with maple syrup for breakfast, pancakes with no maple syrup for lunch, and grapes with chocolate syrup for dinner.  And your night was going all too well, you had already seen three episodes of that show where they record the people saying mean sexual things and they make them talk it out with the pope, I think it’s called The Office.  Anyways you were watching The Office, you were at the episode where Stanley gets into a fight with Phyllis and then Omar beats him up, and Jope knocked on the back door.  Naturally you knew it was Jope, I mean who else comes to your house? So you said “Hello who is it?” and he said “It’s Jope.” Obviously you couldn’t get out of being in the house, since you had made the rookie mistake of saying who is it (in the future don’t do that).  You called back to him “Hey man I’m about to sleep.” He said “ok ill use the guest bedroom.” Now there are two problems with this.  First, you don’t want Jope to sleep your house, it happened once and the smell of bananas never went away.  But second, you don’t have a guest bedroom, so it literally wouldn’t work.  “Sorry I actually don’t have a guest room.” But he persisted.  “It’s ok I’ll sleep on the floor.” Now you have five options at this point: call the cops, or just go outside and offer to take him to a nightclub.  You choose the latter.  You go to the nightclub and you’re surprised by what happens next, the DJ at the nightclub was awesome and played Yeah by Usher twelve times which was great because you’re currently in the process of learning Lil John’s verse on the song.  Also, Jope was a total boss and he found a bag of potato bread to eat.  You actually had a pretty great time.  So at the end of the night you called a cab for Jope, he went home, you went home, and it all worked out.  The lesson is that sometimes you are too quick to judge people, whether it’s your mom, dad, little sister, or a 43 year old guy named Jope.  

Who Knows What

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cave with no food or water knowing that you are going to be there for at least week?  Do you struggle with everyday things like pooping, walking, etc.?  Do you wander the earth searching for ways to redeem yourself for that mistake you made?  If you do, I’m sorry but I can’t help you with that, but perhaps you have all those problems and you also have this roommate who doesn’t respect your privacy once again I can offer you no support.  But, for those of you who hate insects I can provide some help.

                So you’re in the shower.  Washing away all your pains and sorrows and singing show tunes like it’s nobody’s business.  You’ve just finished your shower, turned off the water, and you’re about to grab your towel.  You grab that nice clean towel and prepare to dry yourself off so that you can go on with you day when you see a big black who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is on your towel.  Like any rationale human being you pass out, and then while you’re passed out the  who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is bites you, and you die.  That sucks but fortunately for you, it wasn’t you in the shower, it was your friend Tod.  Here are five things you can do to make sure you don’t end up like Tod.

1.        Before you enter an area scout it out for bugs, this doesn’t mean just take a quick scan this means you have to go Sherlock Holmes that bathroom, do some detective work, make sure there are no who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s in the room BEFORE you corner yourself.

2.       NEVER EVER PUT YOUR HAND SOMEWHERE THAT YOU CAN’T SEE.  It’s one thing to see a who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is, but it’s a whole nother thing when you touch/come close to touching one.  You have to avoid contact with who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s at all times.

3.       Never walk through the woods when you’re not directly behind someone else.  There have probably been more people who made this fatal mistake than there are people named Lebron James who began their NBA career with the Cleveland Cavaliers, almost one a championship, than left with a controversy, went to the Miami Heat to Join Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade and then lost in the Championship to the Dallas Mavericks in 2011 through a serious of obsurd made baskets by dirk Nowitski.  If your friend Tod gets reincarnated and asks you if you want to walk through the woods with him, you better say “Only if I can walk approximately two steps behind you and step exactly in your footsteps slim Jim.”

4.       When in grass where close toed shoes.  I don’t know why or how this monstrosity occurred but who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s live in the grass often.  I don’t know why they don’t just build housed and stay out of your lawn but they don’t.  If you stand in the grass for a good thirty seconds with flip flops on, who knows what kind of spell they will cast on you.

5.       Kill any who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s that you can (unless it’s a stink bug or a bee, because dead bees attract more bees, and stink bugs smell bad, although once a stink bug landed on my ice cream, it was brown, if you find that stink bug please kill it for me).  Those things are stealthy and you’re not going to get the opportunity twice.  Let’s say you see one in your room, and you take him outside, now you’ve created a problem, he knows the lay of your room and he knows the route, he’s going to parlay with his who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is army, and they will march back to your room and dirty up your desk to the point where you can’t work on it.

I hope this helps you avoid Tod's fate.

Post By: Pat G.

Ground Zero

You didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t matter, you’re grounded, not allowed to do anything.  Everybody faces this nightmare at least once in their life and everybody hates it now, some parents (like mine) are so cruel you can’t even throw nickels at the piano while your grounded, and others aren’t, but no matter how your parents treat groundings, I’m here to tell you what to do when you’re grounded.

                The first option is to just watch TV/Play video games.  Being grounded is a nice way to get a little one on one time with your Xbox, or maybe you don’t like one player games and you want to play online with your friend Tod.  Or maybe you’re not a big fan of video games well I got news for you, there’s a degrassi marathon with your name on it and you better be in front of the TV until your parents unground you.  However, I’m aware that some parents (once again, like mine) know no limits to the evils of grounding and don’t even allow you to watch TV so I give you an alternative.  Your computer.

                Many people do not know the bevy of options they have on their computers.  You can chat it up with your friend Tod on facebook, you can play games, you can check your email and actually read all the emails, you can read this blog, you can watch hulu, there are more possibilities than there are ways to spell “it.”  This is something you probably do a little anyway, but it becomes more fun when it’s your best option (like Bella seems to think Jacob is in Twighlight).  Once again, some parents prevent this so were going to move on the next option.

                Run up your phone bill.  It’s questionable which should come first this or computers but let’s just say you should explore both of these options at the same time.  Obviously over the last couple of weeks you’ve been spending all of your time with Tod, and so your side chicks are feeling a little let down.  Now in your time of isolation, you’re going to call those 20 women and spend exactly 20 minutes on the phone with each one every day.  Or like the rest of us you don’t have 20 side chicks so you’re just gunna talk to your friends and send an abundance of text messages perhaps you’ll even facetime your friends with you i-Phone.  If all else fails, it becomes clear that you must resort to your last option, and DON’T MAKE THIS SEXUAL.

                Kick schools ass.  Honestly, if you can’t do anything else the best thing to do is spend many more hours than necessary doing school work in Hawaii while being serenaded by Skylar Grey (she has such a wonderful voice).  I know this option feels shitty while you’re doing it but once your prison sentence is over you’ll be glad that you dominated your friend Tod on that history paper.  Or in a different amount of time you’ll be glad those stellar grades got you into Essex.

How to deal with writers block

So you’re sitting behind your computer, working on a paper, or should I say “Trying to work on your paper.”  You have a severe case of writers block and so you’re “writing,” has really been staring at the blank page for about an hour.  Your ass-hole teacher named Tod made you write a 5 page paper about “something important to you,” Woooooo-weeeeee I can’t believe big Tod and his unnecessary vagueness.  Heck, maybe he’s a crackhead who got a hold of the wrooong stuff (see Leprechaun in mobile Alabama link if you don’t get this absolutely hilarious joke), you probably should check him into rehab, but you’re not gunna do that because you like Tod, he’s a cool cat, he’s got a lot of this and a lot of that, he plays tennis, golf, and bocce, he reads jet magazine with one hand in his pocket, he writes for sports illustrated from the top of a mountain, HE CAN READ!!!  As opposed to taking out your anger on the cool and awesome teacher named Tod, you’re gunna just find a way to deal with your writers block.  Here’s how you do it.

                One way to deal with writers block is to write something else.  Take this for example, the main reason I’m writing this is because I’m struggling to survive in America and I’m contemplating changing my name to “Tod.”  The thought has crossed my mind many times before but I’ve never been as serious about it as I am right now.  Taking your mind off of the actual thing that you care about can allow you to come back to it with a passion that can only be matched by sloth from The Goonies.  However, it’s very important that you finish whatever you did to take your mind off of it.  You can’t be thinking about fruit salad when you’re trying to write about garden salad, that never gunna work, before you come back to your garden salad you gotta finish that fruit salad or else you’re gunna get some tomatoes, if you know what I mean.

                Another way to deal with writers block is to just get started.  You don’t have to start well you just have to start, your first couple paragraphs can be as bad as troll 2 and as long as you cut them out once your done or you do a lot of editing it’s all good brotha.  I don’t care if you write about swimming in china town, you just have to write something to get your flow started cause this ain’t no place for the light hearted.

                If none of these work plagiarize.  I know this is frowned upon by some teachers but it’s the right thing to do.  I mean, why else would all of that work by other people be so accessible.  Honestly, Tod is a cool guy, he’d rather you hand in someone else’s work then hand in something bad and waste his time.  Just kidding, do not plagiarize, it is better to make up a bullshit excuse in class than to plagiarize because where there’s plagiarism, there’s racism, remember that.

Post By: Pat G.

Asking for the homework: Capital Sin, or washing the dishes?

Here’s the situation.  You’re sitting at home and just about to start your homework.  You have Facebook open in the background to make sure you don’t work to efficiently; however, this time you really want to get this work done, so you decide to minimize Facebook, BY PRESSING THE LINE NEXT TO THE TWO BOWES NEXT TO THE X IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER!  The problem is, you forget to turn sound off and just as you are having the most incredible epiphany about the history paper you’ve been working on ever since you were a fetus, you hear Facebook telling you that some idiot didn’t write down the math homework.  You open the chat from that stupid friend and it says,

“hey!

do u kno wat the math hw is?”

 It sounds like a reasonable thing to ask right? But it’s not, I’ve got news for my stupid friend who asked me this question.  “You are worse than the frills on the end of paper when you rip it out of a notebook!  Don’t you think it would have been better for you to have written down the homework in class thereby avoiding this problem?” I know I’m not alone on this.  People, don’t be that person, just write down the homework in class and spare us common folk the trouble.

Post By: Ben L.

Edited By: Pat G.

Imma let you finish that thought but first I gotta say something: fuck that shit.  If I’m in class about to walk out and the teacher tells me the homework after I’ve already packed my bags and made a mad dash for the lunch line, I aint gon’ take my bags back out and write down the homework.  Uh uh, no, nOo, nOo, I aint never been bout that shit, never never been about that shit.  I aint gon’ write that down and that’s final.

I walk out of class and get stuff done like a boss, then after about a day and a half, it’s time to get started on my homework.  I’m sitting down at my computer and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  I know I have history first, and like 90% of classes the teacher doesn’t post the homework online.  I’m on Facebook, I don’t want to try to think about what the homework is so I search through my friends for someone who might be able to help with my situation.  I see my friend Tod, Tod is on facebook because he’s struggling to find a way to make it in this world and he hopes facebook will give him the answers to his problems, but in actuality it won’t, Tod will give me an answer to my problem over facebook.  I know Tod isn’t doing anything important (except maybe the homework) so I ask him “What’s the homework?”  To Tod this is very simple, Tod knows that the history assignment is to write a 20 page paper with at least 200 footnotes, about how unreasonable it would be for Tod to complain about having to type 50 words to tell me the homework.  I’m gunna continue to ask people for what the homework is and I am proud.

Post By: Pat G.

Bathroom Rules

So you’re going to the bathroom to urinate, you see your friend Tod, Tod is taking a pee because he is very nervous about his upcoming presentation on Queen Elizabeth, you know the rules, you don’t look at him, you don’t  speak to him.  You just go to your urinal and start peeing.  Your urine is clear, you’ve clearly been drinking a lot of water (pun intended).  You’re emitting those bodily fluids when Tod says “Hey.”  WTF, did Tod just speak to you while you were peeing, everybody knows you do not talk to a man while he pees.  Oh wait, some people (like Tod) don’t.  Bathroom rules are a crucial thing for everyone to know.

                The first rule of bathrooms is as follows:  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  That one is pretty self-explanatory so let’s move on to the second, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I had to say it again but I think now you get it, so on to the third, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I don’t know how I can make this any clearer, you never talk to a man while he is peeing.  Actually, there is one situation where you can, if your friend Tod peeing, (his name does have to be Tod) and you see a wild panda bear preparing to eat some bamboo of which is poorly placed right in front of Tod’s face and you know for a fact that that panda will kill Tod if and only if he continues to pee then you may inform Tod of his situation, but  this is the only case under which it is acceptable to talk to a man as he pees.

                Now for the fourth rule: under no circumstances should you look at another man as he is peeing.  For this one you’re under honor code because if you’re looking at him he has to be looking at you to know that you were looking at him, but you just don’t do it (note- this rule applies to any and all looking).

                Now you’ve learned the important rules so the rest are going to be quick ones.

5.  Don’t take your pants off, I know this one sounds weird but to some people it seems necessary for your pants to be around your ankles to pee.

6.  Wash your hands.  This one’s really for you so don’t bother doing that dumb thing where you turn on the water and then turn it off really quick, everybody knows you didn’t wash your hands and you look dumb.

7.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I just felt like I needed to remind you about that one again.

8.  Never criticize a man for taking a long pee.  I know it sounds weird but when you criticize him it’s just annoying and a little weird.

9.  Even if you’re not talking to anyone, don’t make noise with your mouth in the bathroom, it’s really annoying when you’re in your zone and you hear some ass-hole named Tod humming his favorite tune, and also you may disturb the other urinaters.

10.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  If you only remember one thing from this, it better be rule number 1, 2, 3, 7, and 9.


Post By: Pat G.

SMGDH at these stupid acronyms

Note- For best results read this one out-loud to yourself in the voice of Morgan Freeman, or Samuel Jackson.

Have you ever been on facebook, perusing through your newsfeed when you read a status from your friend Tod.  The status is something stupid like  “Yo, I got smh on my lol and DTF,” you look at this status and you’re sent into a rage, how could someone be so ignorant about common acronyms?  I know what you’re thinking and I’ve been there, you think it’s Tod’s fault and you really want to steal all of the grass from Tod’s yard leaving him only with dirt, but don’t, it’s not Tod’s fault, it’s everyone else’s for creating so many acronyms.

            I have a question, why do we need a shortened way to say “shake my head?”  Yeah I’ll admit it’s fun to say but honestly, who was saying “shake my head,” so much that they needed a shortened way to say it?  How low have we come, we can’t type “shake my head,” anymore, next thing you know people won’t be able to send rockets to the moon.  Honestly, that’s like having a short way to say “My shoe is untied,” it’s unnecessary and excessive, I bet in two years reading status’s will require a translator or manual. 

I don’t know about you but I actually think English is pretty good, but I do acknowledge that some of the acronyms are good, for example.  I would hate to have to say “I think that’s funny,” every time I thought something was funny, I acknowledge things like “lol, brb, gtg, nvm, etc.” are good, but I think we don’t need 8 different ways to say something is funny, I’m pretty sure we could do fine with just “lol.” But then again next time I’m stranded in a remote island and I have 5 seconds left of battery life on my i-phone and I need to make my facebook status  “Im at longitude 5 latitude 28 and I need to be saved as soon as possible,” I’ll say “dammit I guess we really did need an acronym for that one.” But until then I’m going to say we don’t need so many acronyms.


Post By: Pat G.

The Head Nod

             So you’re walking down the aisle in target.  On the pursuit of the perfect hand soap; you’ve narrowed it down and you’re deciding between suave cucumber melon, and Softsoap lemon.  You don’t have time to think so you just pick them both up and start walking towards checkout.  As you’re on your way you see your friend Tod walking.  Just before you pass him you say “hey Tod.”  Tod looks at you and gives you a quick head nod.  Like most people you are beyond confused about what has just happened.  No one knows how to interpret a head nod, actually, that’s not true, I know how to interpret a head nod and I’m willing to help.

            Obviously there are a lot of variables in interpreting a head nod but it can be done, we can isolate the variables, and when you’re in the moment you’re going to need good judgment too.

            First let me start by telling you what has no relevance: The actual head nod.  It is a common misconception that there is a difference between an upwards head nod and one that faces down, or a quick head nod and one that is slowly dragged out.  But these things are all just stylistic, different people just do their head nods differently.  The important thing is the circumstances that the head nod occurs in.

            One of the important parts is if the nodder is with people.  Let’s say Tod is walking with his friends Michael, Nick, and Alexandria.  He’s in some deep discussion about the concept of nothing, does it exist or doesn’t it, if so what is it?  We may never know the answer, but we do know that the head nod was harmless, Tod was busy and simply didn’t want to lose his train of thought.  If Tod was alone it would be another story, let’s say Tod is searching the aisles for a new Nerf gun to add to his collection.  Your “friend,” Tod, actually hates you, with that head nod Tod was actually saying “If you ever say ‘hey’ to me again, I will take every pair of socks that you own.”

            Another important variable is the distance between you and the head nodder at the time you said hey.  Let’s say there were less than 5 seconds between when you said hey and when you passed him.  This is generally harmless; Tod was probably thinking about his paper due tomorrow about whether or not the American revolution was a necessary war and he just couldn’t remember your name quickly enough.  But, if there were about 5 seconds or more between the time you said hey to Tod and the time you passed him then that’s b-b-bad news.  I would call this “code orange.”  There are two possibilities here, either: Tod doesn’t know your name, or Tod wants to make sure you know that you matter less than whatever is at the bottom of the abyss.    I pray for you that it’s not the latter.

            Now for the third and final factor, are you a boy or a girl?  Let’s say you’re a boy, you have played on Tods hockey team for two years now, you both share a passion for monopoly and you play often.  In fact, you, Tod, and two other friends are going to play tomorrow at 3:00 P.M., your fine, men don’t think about other men’s feelings, your friend Tod just didn’t want to let you get into his mind before your monopoly game so he avoided contact as best as possible.  Now, if you’re a girl it’s different, you should take out your sword and challenge Tod to a duel.  Tod knows about your need for his attention and he knows how much it would bug you if he made you question whether or not he knew your name.  By giving you the head nod Tod was playing mind games with you, and judging by the fact that you’re tirelessly searching the internet trying to figure out how to interpret his head nod, I would say it worked.  So, I know this is a lot to grasp, and for those of you who are only partially literate literate and need this piece shortened I will give you a quick cheat sheet.

If Tod is…

With people:  It’s good

Alone:  It’s bad

Almost passed you: it’s good

Far away: It’s bad

If you are…

Male: It’s good

Female:  It’s bad


Post By: Pat G.