Strange Business in the Bathroom

                Attention Attention.  Those of you who use the restroom may have received this terrible fate before and therefore you can probably relate to this.  So I went to the Restroom to urinate in the toilet.  I don’t know about you but I think that in a choice between peeing in my pants, on the floor or in the toilet: I’d choose the toilet an overwhelming majority of the time.  Anyway, I finish peeing and I go to wash my hands.  Well to go off on another tangent I just wanted to say, I saw someone else not wash his hands.  Damn commies.  Anyway, I’m sayin my A, B, C’s, doin’ my thing when I notice my pants are wet, and for a moment, I think I may have peed myself.  So I feel it, and I see that it’s cold, at least I didn’t pee myself.  But I look at the counter, and that’s wetter than a slip and slide that’s strategically placed at the bottom of a waterfall.  Some asshole wet the counter and didn’t even clean up behind himself.  This next part doesn’t really relate to the story, but I cleaned it up (yeah I’m a pretty good citizen.)  I can’t be sure but I’m confident that some guy named Tod was in the restroom earlier and he poured a bucket of water onto the countertop.  I can’t help Tod stop doing this, because it’s easy, just don’t  pour buckets of water on countertops.  I also can’t help you avoid the water because it’s all Tod’s fault, not yours.  But, I can do this: I can explain why this makes Tod the worst man ever.  (Comparable to Ellen DeGeneres)

                So first off, Tod why can’t you clean up behind yourself.  I don’t know about you but my mama taught me that other people shouldn’t have to suffer for/clean up your problems unless there is genuinely no other way.  My mother also taught me to say please and thank you to people, and to keep my elbows off of the table, and to put my napkin in my lap but not tuck it in, and which side my silverware goes on.  But Tod, you could have very easily wiped that down on your own.  Or better yet YOU COULD HAVE REFRAINED FROM POURING THAT BUCKET OF WATER ONTO THE COUNTER.

                Next, you have left a note.  I know this sounds silly, but maybe you were in a rush and didn’t have time to clean up the mess.  If that’s the case it would have been nice of you to quickly write a letter on one of the paper towels explaining the circumstance and left it on the mirror to avoid ruining the bathroom for others.  Honestly, if you knew that a basketball was going to be shot via cannon from three miles away to a basketball hoop and you needed to leave at that exact moment in order to get to the hoop in time to catch that ball for an alley-oop pass, I would have been more than happy to make that possible for you by cleaning up your mess.  Hell, I may have even left a reply note asking you if you made it in time.  But you have to let people know these things in advance.  Had you left a note, my pants would have been dry and there would be no severe harm done.

                Tod, I think I said something like this in a prior post but I gotta say it again.  A great man once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their mission’s are considered scum, but those who abandoned their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase kakashi sensei “In this modern world that we are cursed to live in, those who make/leave messes are considered scum, but those who make messes and don’t clean or leave necessary warning are worse than scum.”  On a serious note, I don’t take issue with the fact that Tod made a mess because it happens, once I spilt ice cream on the floor, the thing that frustrates me is that Tod didn’t act accordingly and his selfishness/care caused harm to someone else.  Also, it still really pisses me off that this person who shall remain nameless didn’t wash his hands.  But really, if you only take one thing from this story, than let it be this:  PERFORM YOUR CIVIC DUTY or suffer some consequences!

My Apologies

Dear Readers,

                I am unsure if you are aware of this.  But it has been about 3 weeks since my last post.   I am truly sorry because I know how important reading this is to you.  Here is one example of something that I would assume happened as a result of me not having made a blog post in quite some time.  So this guy named Tod is wearing massive glasses; actually, they are sunshades.  That way the sun doesn’t hit his eyes as hard.  He wears his shades and he’s at home.  He is reading all of the stuff that he enjoys reading on the internet.  He reads this interesting article explaining how Obama and Herman Caine are actually very similar (if you put their political views aside).  Then he reads preview of the upcoming movie Dora the Explora: When wrong meet’s evil, once again it’s an excellent piece.  He absolutely hates it.  It makes him angry and he says “If anything ever makes me angrier than reading that piece just made me I’m going to go to the grocery store, buy a lot of laffy taffy, go home, mix it all together and make it soft, go to Dunkin Donuts, buy some of their coffee beans, go back home, boil some water, make a lot of coffee, completely cover my body in that soft laffy taffy, and then pore that coffee onto myself.”  He then writes a legal contract stating that he will do this and signs it.  Next, he goes back to his computer and checks my blog and finds that I haven’t made a new post in quite sometimes.  I don’t need to say what he does next but I’m pretty sure we all know.  (He’s a man of his word)  So if you suffered a similar fate to Tod I am sorry.  But honestly, if you did that and don’t know what to do with the leftover laffy taffy.  Please inform me immediately.

                So now you’re probably wondering “Why is Patrick writing this?”  Seem’s like a dumb question but really, why wouldn’t I do something more productive, like write a different blog post.  Well I’ll tell you why.  You know what really grinds my gears?  When people do annoying stuff and don’t explain why they did it.  This one time I was at target, and I had a pretty large amount of stuff.  And I did my checkout and I bought my stuff.  The guy at the counter was good, you know, doing everything that needed to be done.  Until the end, he went into one of the bags he had already packed and took the gum out.  Now this really wasn’t that horrific but still, you can’t just do some weird shit like that and then not explain it.  I mean, why did this guy take the gum out of the bag.  There was literally no reason to do that.  So I decided I should explain myself to you guys.

                I have been kinda busy.  I’ve showered about 33 times since my last blog post (I keep doing this thing where I shower, and then I forget that I showered so I’ll end up showering like 3 or four times in one night once in a while)  I’ve eaten some sandwiches, some bagels, some Mac’n Cheese, a hot dog, cereal (but I use yogurt instead of milk.  Also, I had basketball practice, I revised a criminal law paper, I took some test’s, I played magic.  (I made two new decks and also I boiled my two black decks into one)  I watched some gossip girl, some 90210, and some Ringer (that show has gotten pretty bad I might stop watching it soon), I’ve watched survivor where that guy Brandon display’s absolutely no strategy, I read a lot of Shaq’s uncut story (in all seriousness it’s really good.)  And I took a nap.  Please forgive me for my inadequacies. (and for stealing your pencil.  Sorry I just can’t help it)

Post By:  Pat G.

Borrowing Things

Alright, O.K., a few weeks ago you lent your pencil to your friend Tod during math class.  It was a pretty nice pencil, it had power rangers on it, heck or maybe it wasn’t a pencil maybe it was one of your magic the gathering cards which you are very fond of which costs about $10 to buy individually online.  Either way, your friend Tod did not return it and this makes you angry.  Well, for you I can’t help you that much, all I can say is don’t lend a pencil to Tod next time, but if your friend Tod is reading this, he’s getting some advice on how to avoid losing your magic card which you’re very fond of.  (You can relay this to your friend Tod if you feel like he may not read this.

First off, Tod, when you borrow things, return them as soon as possible.  So if you borrow your friend who is also named Tod’s magic card of which he is very fond of, return it when you’re done scanning it into your computer, and if you borrow his power ranger pencil to take notes during class, return it when you’re done taking notes in class.  It is not the responsibility of your friend whose name is also Tod to find you and get his pencil; it’s your responsibility to return it to Tod.

Next, I understand that once in a while you borrow a Pencil first period, and you actually don’t have a pencil at all for the day.  In this case you need to borrow Tod’s pencil for the whole day and can’t return it right when you’re done.  Actually, your friend Tod had a soccer game and got dismissed early and therefore you had to take his pencil home with you.  Still return it A.S.A.P., when you get home, make your supa-fly outfit for the next day and put the pencil in the pants pocket, or maybe you’re a girl and you don’t have pockets, put it in your purse.  Find a way to make sure you can’t forget to bring your friend, who’s also named Tod, his pencil.  No excuses.

Here’s the last thing you must do, WATCH OUT FOR FLYING MONKEYS!!!  Just kidding, the monkeys have nothing to do with this.  You just need to do step 1 and step 2.  Return it when you’re done, and if you can’t then, make sure you remember you’re next opportunity.  As a great ninja once said “In this ninja world that we are cursed to live in, those who abandon their missions are considered scum, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.”  Well to paraphrase him a little bit I shall say “In this wonderful world that we are so lucky to live in, those who do terrible things are considered scum, but those who forget don’t return things that they borrow are worse than scum.”  Peace out.

Post By: Pat G.

Doing Homework

So you’ve got a lot on your plate; cranberries, hotsauce, tuna, fried chicken, shrimp, fried bananas, fried ice cream, and all of the cottage cheese in your house (you’re not going to eat the cottage cheese you’re going to rub it over your body).  Along with eating all of the stuff on that plate you have a lot of things to do, you play basketball, you are the manager for the middle school basketball team, you’re the equipment manager the girls varsity basketball team,  you’re student council president, you have a blog to work on, you’re planning an assassination on Snookie, and to top it all of you are working for the Republican party.  With this much stuff to do you hardly have time to do your homework, but if you follow these guidelines, you can do it.

Rule number one, when you’re doing your homework, be doing your homework.  I know it’s tempting to be on facebook and I know how important it is that your friend Tod just put up pictures of his drivers license, but your eyes can wait to see Tod’s drivers license. ya feel me?

Next, this one is actually kind of fun but when you’re working, take breaks.  I’ve got news for you coming home at 6 O’clock and then working none stop is not the most efficient way to work, you should stop and check facebook, or watch some T.V. who knows maybe it’s Monday and Gossip Girl’s on, or perhaps it’s Tuesday and 90210/Ringer is on, or maybe Wednesday and survivor is on, or perhaps Thursday, and the secret circle is on.  (That’s my exact T.V. schedule, I don’t ever miss any of those shows, ya feel me?)

Also, this one’s kind of vague, but realize your strength’s and weaknesses when working, for instance, some people work really well in the morning, if you’re one of those people do your homework in the attic, some people work really well last minute, if you’re one of those people do your homework last minute, and some people (like me) work best while not completely focused on work.  If you’re one of those people work while watching a television show that you don’t particularly like such as magic school bus, willa’s wild world, the big bang theory, etc.  I myself just wrote a five page paper as I watched the first 4 episode’s of magic school bus.  (That’s five pages in an hour and a half because the episodes are only 22 minutes because I have it on DVD.)  All of these methods seem a bit unorthodox, but you’d be surprised at what works for you, give it a try and see which one works best for you, ya feel me?

Post By: Pat G.

Quitters

     So you just recently started ballet and you’re really good at it.  You got your little twist down and you know how to work it on the ballet scene.  You haven’t been doing it long but your life has been getting progressively harder since you started workin’ the ballet stage so you think it’s time to quit.  This is something that you always do and your parents hate it, it’s something that you always do but you hate that quality about yourself more than you hate your big green shoulders, I mean people keep confusing you for the hulk, what kind of a life is that?  Anyway, quitting is a habit that you need to fix, and I can help you with a few tips to quit quitting.

    First, when you start something, it’s good to do it with friends.  For example, if I were to decide to start a business smuggling Cuban sand into America in my shoes alone I would be likely to quit when the going got tough because my only incentive would be that profit, but if I start that same business with my friend Tod who has never been able to find a way to make it in America as he has no parents or shoes to smuggle the sand in I will be less likely to quit because I won’t be able to say to Tod “I can’t do this anymore,” so generally, the more people you start things with the more likely you are to continue doing it.

     Second, don’t get an excessive early rush.  I don’t know about you but I have trouble with this one.  Every 3 to four months I find my Pokemon game and I play about 3 hours a day for a week.  After this week ends and I add a couple more level 100 pokemon (I currently have 3 full boxes (there are 30 in a box)  in my pokemon diamond, and 1 box in my pokemon black) and then I get bored and put away pokemon for the next 3 to four months.  Can you imagine if as opposed to wasting all of my time for three weeks and then getting bored if I could just play for a reasonable amount of time and do it for a couple of months.  Just to reiterate my point for those of you who got lost in the world of pokemon, it is essential not to overdo your new hobbies.

     Third, this one seems kind of obvious, but make sure to think about the hobbies you pick up.  If you start dying sheep fur pink let’s be realistic, your chances of keeping that hobby are slim.  Manage your activities an don’t start stupid ones and remember this “I pity the fool who messes with the BOSS MAN”

Hakuna Matata

Hi guys!!!! My name is Marcus, or is it Tod, or perhaps Angelo, wait a minute, it doesn’t matter.  So I’m writing this post, or should we call it a squirrel?  Will it actually be any different if it’s a squirrel or a post?  So anyway, in this squirrel I intend on addressing the issue of all this arbitrary stuff humans make.  First off, let me point out, this is pointless, but so is just about everything else, if you don’t think it matters than nothing matters, so if you don’t think this matters than IT DOES NOT MATTER.  (Let me just say I'm aware that this is kind of crazy)

                The first thing that’s obnoxious is words.  People think the difference in words actually changes things.  For example if I say squirrel and then I say Tomato.  The two things could just as easily have their names switched and nothing would be different.  A tomato would just be a little grey furry creature that has a strange obsession with nuts, and a squirrel would still be a red thing that is having trouble deciding if it’s a fruit or a vegetable.  What I’m trying to say here is not that I want you to call squirrels “tomatoes,” but I’m saying if everyone were to call squirrels tomatoes, and tomatoes squirrels nothing will change except occasionally when writing poems in iambic pentameter and you are trying to refer to that grey creature you’ll have to remember that it’s different.

                The next thing is what we see, specifically colors and this is not me making a point just sort of asking a question.  So on this blog, all of the writing is white, except some stuff is orange, and when I look at it I either see white or orange, and whenever anyone else looks at it they either see white or orange, and if we were to describe the color we would both say it’s orange.  But how can we know that we’re actually seeing the same thing.  What if all of Tod’s life (it’s an arbitrary name that we will call him) when he sees orange what he’s seeing is actually blue, but he always sees orange that way and that’s he’s always called it that.  I know this makes no sense (I do that a lot) but bear with me.  Everyone reading this imagine your favorite color (for me it’s turquoise) and think of what you call that color, and how that color looks.  Now perhaps everyone is thinking of colors with different names, but they’re picturing the exact same things.  What If everyone has the same favorite color but we don’t know that because we have all called that something different.  I know I sound crazy, and maybe I am, if you think I am comment/write a response.  And by the way, I never got around to explaining this but the title is actually suppose to mean “how do we know that we’re all really living in the same world” but I figured I’d switch the word with Hakuna Matata!!!!!

Vampire's

So you know that guy Tod who lives 3 houses down the street from you?  He likes to read books, take long walks on the beach, frolic among the roses, and drink blood.  That’s right he’s a vampire.  It seems to me that vampires are taking over our world, you never know if your friend’s a vampire.  Between Vampire Diaries, True Blood, The Twighlight Saga, etc.  Vampires are on a crash course with world domination.  Since it seems inevitable that vampires will achieve this world domination I think it’s time society learned what to do in a vampire society.

                First, every morning you MUST put on your vampire perfume/cologne.  Vampire’s have a very strong sense of smell.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t outrun a vampire and so I think the best way to stay safe is to make the vampires think you’re one of them.  Keep in mind a vampire is more dangerous than Usher.

                Second, learn to love the taste of blood.  The vampires are going to get suspicious if they see you eating food instead of drinking blood so it’s essential that you only drink blood.  You must learn to love blood like the most interesting man loves Dos Equis.  Unless you’d rather the vampires eat your blood…

                Third, avoid confrontation.  Vampires like to settle their conflicts with mild violence, they just want to hurt each other not kill each other.  But remember that you are not a vampire.  If they attack you will die and they may even realize that you’re not a vampire and drink your blood.

                Fourth, you should probably become a spy for the werewolves.  Werewolves are loyal, and if you make yourself an asset to them you’ll have some sort of strong force protecting you.  The vampires aren’t trustworthy so you shouldn’t tell them, but you can tell the werewolves you’re not a vampire, they’ll actually be happier because they hate vampires.

                And last but not least, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU REVEAL TO A VAMPIRE THAT YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE.  I don’t care if Edward and the Cullen family ask you if you would like to play baseball with them, you can’t do anything that will show, you tell them you hurt your arm and can’t play.  If you EVER tell any vampire that you are a human you’re blood will be drank, even your best friend Tod would love to drink your blood. 

                So, when you are faced with this situation, I hope my advice will be helpful.

XOXO Gossip Girl.

Post By: Pat G.

The Mighty Ducks, and Stalkers (or just Stalkers)

So you have this person who follows you around.  This person really annoys you because they think you like them when it should be painfully obvious by now that you don’t.  I mean, they follow you back to your house and stuff like that.  So you want to know how to get rid of them? Impossible, doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, your dad, or your little sister, once he (yes all stalkers do have a gender) start’s you’re stuck with him.   Here’s one perfect example of a true stalker.

It was eleven PM on a Friday night and you were getting ready to fall asleep in front of the tv, when there was a knock on your door.  Yes it could be your friend Tod, as Pat G would have you believe, but it could also be Jope.

 Jope is your 43 year old friend from Texas who was born with a rare disease where he goes through life being called Jope by everyone.  Anyways, the point is you hate your friend Jope.  Why is he your friend, you might ask.  Well, Jope is not your friend, in fact I don’t really know why you said he was, I guess you messed up there.  So Jope was there knocking.  Obviously you were already having a pretty solid Friday.  You had three good meals, waffles with maple syrup for breakfast, pancakes with no maple syrup for lunch, and grapes with chocolate syrup for dinner.  And your night was going all too well, you had already seen three episodes of that show where they record the people saying mean sexual things and they make them talk it out with the pope, I think it’s called The Office.  Anyways you were watching The Office, you were at the episode where Stanley gets into a fight with Phyllis and then Omar beats him up, and Jope knocked on the back door.  Naturally you knew it was Jope, I mean who else comes to your house? So you said “Hello who is it?” and he said “It’s Jope.” Obviously you couldn’t get out of being in the house, since you had made the rookie mistake of saying who is it (in the future don’t do that).  You called back to him “Hey man I’m about to sleep.” He said “ok ill use the guest bedroom.” Now there are two problems with this.  First, you don’t want Jope to sleep your house, it happened once and the smell of bananas never went away.  But second, you don’t have a guest bedroom, so it literally wouldn’t work.  “Sorry I actually don’t have a guest room.” But he persisted.  “It’s ok I’ll sleep on the floor.” Now you have five options at this point: call the cops, or just go outside and offer to take him to a nightclub.  You choose the latter.  You go to the nightclub and you’re surprised by what happens next, the DJ at the nightclub was awesome and played Yeah by Usher twelve times which was great because you’re currently in the process of learning Lil John’s verse on the song.  Also, Jope was a total boss and he found a bag of potato bread to eat.  You actually had a pretty great time.  So at the end of the night you called a cab for Jope, he went home, you went home, and it all worked out.  The lesson is that sometimes you are too quick to judge people, whether it’s your mom, dad, little sister, or a 43 year old guy named Jope.  

Who Knows What

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cave with no food or water knowing that you are going to be there for at least week?  Do you struggle with everyday things like pooping, walking, etc.?  Do you wander the earth searching for ways to redeem yourself for that mistake you made?  If you do, I’m sorry but I can’t help you with that, but perhaps you have all those problems and you also have this roommate who doesn’t respect your privacy once again I can offer you no support.  But, for those of you who hate insects I can provide some help.

                So you’re in the shower.  Washing away all your pains and sorrows and singing show tunes like it’s nobody’s business.  You’ve just finished your shower, turned off the water, and you’re about to grab your towel.  You grab that nice clean towel and prepare to dry yourself off so that you can go on with you day when you see a big black who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is on your towel.  Like any rationale human being you pass out, and then while you’re passed out the  who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is bites you, and you die.  That sucks but fortunately for you, it wasn’t you in the shower, it was your friend Tod.  Here are five things you can do to make sure you don’t end up like Tod.

1.        Before you enter an area scout it out for bugs, this doesn’t mean just take a quick scan this means you have to go Sherlock Holmes that bathroom, do some detective work, make sure there are no who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s in the room BEFORE you corner yourself.

2.       NEVER EVER PUT YOUR HAND SOMEWHERE THAT YOU CAN’T SEE.  It’s one thing to see a who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is, but it’s a whole nother thing when you touch/come close to touching one.  You have to avoid contact with who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s at all times.

3.       Never walk through the woods when you’re not directly behind someone else.  There have probably been more people who made this fatal mistake than there are people named Lebron James who began their NBA career with the Cleveland Cavaliers, almost one a championship, than left with a controversy, went to the Miami Heat to Join Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade and then lost in the Championship to the Dallas Mavericks in 2011 through a serious of obsurd made baskets by dirk Nowitski.  If your friend Tod gets reincarnated and asks you if you want to walk through the woods with him, you better say “Only if I can walk approximately two steps behind you and step exactly in your footsteps slim Jim.”

4.       When in grass where close toed shoes.  I don’t know why or how this monstrosity occurred but who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s live in the grass often.  I don’t know why they don’t just build housed and stay out of your lawn but they don’t.  If you stand in the grass for a good thirty seconds with flip flops on, who knows what kind of spell they will cast on you.

5.       Kill any who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is’s that you can (unless it’s a stink bug or a bee, because dead bees attract more bees, and stink bugs smell bad, although once a stink bug landed on my ice cream, it was brown, if you find that stink bug please kill it for me).  Those things are stealthy and you’re not going to get the opportunity twice.  Let’s say you see one in your room, and you take him outside, now you’ve created a problem, he knows the lay of your room and he knows the route, he’s going to parlay with his who-knows-what-kind-of-insect-that-is army, and they will march back to your room and dirty up your desk to the point where you can’t work on it.

I hope this helps you avoid Tod's fate.

Post By: Pat G.

Ground Zero

You didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t matter, you’re grounded, not allowed to do anything.  Everybody faces this nightmare at least once in their life and everybody hates it now, some parents (like mine) are so cruel you can’t even throw nickels at the piano while your grounded, and others aren’t, but no matter how your parents treat groundings, I’m here to tell you what to do when you’re grounded.

                The first option is to just watch TV/Play video games.  Being grounded is a nice way to get a little one on one time with your Xbox, or maybe you don’t like one player games and you want to play online with your friend Tod.  Or maybe you’re not a big fan of video games well I got news for you, there’s a degrassi marathon with your name on it and you better be in front of the TV until your parents unground you.  However, I’m aware that some parents (once again, like mine) know no limits to the evils of grounding and don’t even allow you to watch TV so I give you an alternative.  Your computer.

                Many people do not know the bevy of options they have on their computers.  You can chat it up with your friend Tod on facebook, you can play games, you can check your email and actually read all the emails, you can read this blog, you can watch hulu, there are more possibilities than there are ways to spell “it.”  This is something you probably do a little anyway, but it becomes more fun when it’s your best option (like Bella seems to think Jacob is in Twighlight).  Once again, some parents prevent this so were going to move on the next option.

                Run up your phone bill.  It’s questionable which should come first this or computers but let’s just say you should explore both of these options at the same time.  Obviously over the last couple of weeks you’ve been spending all of your time with Tod, and so your side chicks are feeling a little let down.  Now in your time of isolation, you’re going to call those 20 women and spend exactly 20 minutes on the phone with each one every day.  Or like the rest of us you don’t have 20 side chicks so you’re just gunna talk to your friends and send an abundance of text messages perhaps you’ll even facetime your friends with you i-Phone.  If all else fails, it becomes clear that you must resort to your last option, and DON’T MAKE THIS SEXUAL.

                Kick schools ass.  Honestly, if you can’t do anything else the best thing to do is spend many more hours than necessary doing school work in Hawaii while being serenaded by Skylar Grey (she has such a wonderful voice).  I know this option feels shitty while you’re doing it but once your prison sentence is over you’ll be glad that you dominated your friend Tod on that history paper.  Or in a different amount of time you’ll be glad those stellar grades got you into Essex.

How to deal with writers block

So you’re sitting behind your computer, working on a paper, or should I say “Trying to work on your paper.”  You have a severe case of writers block and so you’re “writing,” has really been staring at the blank page for about an hour.  Your ass-hole teacher named Tod made you write a 5 page paper about “something important to you,” Woooooo-weeeeee I can’t believe big Tod and his unnecessary vagueness.  Heck, maybe he’s a crackhead who got a hold of the wrooong stuff (see Leprechaun in mobile Alabama link if you don’t get this absolutely hilarious joke), you probably should check him into rehab, but you’re not gunna do that because you like Tod, he’s a cool cat, he’s got a lot of this and a lot of that, he plays tennis, golf, and bocce, he reads jet magazine with one hand in his pocket, he writes for sports illustrated from the top of a mountain, HE CAN READ!!!  As opposed to taking out your anger on the cool and awesome teacher named Tod, you’re gunna just find a way to deal with your writers block.  Here’s how you do it.

                One way to deal with writers block is to write something else.  Take this for example, the main reason I’m writing this is because I’m struggling to survive in America and I’m contemplating changing my name to “Tod.”  The thought has crossed my mind many times before but I’ve never been as serious about it as I am right now.  Taking your mind off of the actual thing that you care about can allow you to come back to it with a passion that can only be matched by sloth from The Goonies.  However, it’s very important that you finish whatever you did to take your mind off of it.  You can’t be thinking about fruit salad when you’re trying to write about garden salad, that never gunna work, before you come back to your garden salad you gotta finish that fruit salad or else you’re gunna get some tomatoes, if you know what I mean.

                Another way to deal with writers block is to just get started.  You don’t have to start well you just have to start, your first couple paragraphs can be as bad as troll 2 and as long as you cut them out once your done or you do a lot of editing it’s all good brotha.  I don’t care if you write about swimming in china town, you just have to write something to get your flow started cause this ain’t no place for the light hearted.

                If none of these work plagiarize.  I know this is frowned upon by some teachers but it’s the right thing to do.  I mean, why else would all of that work by other people be so accessible.  Honestly, Tod is a cool guy, he’d rather you hand in someone else’s work then hand in something bad and waste his time.  Just kidding, do not plagiarize, it is better to make up a bullshit excuse in class than to plagiarize because where there’s plagiarism, there’s racism, remember that.

Post By: Pat G.

Asking for the homework: Capital Sin, or washing the dishes?

Here’s the situation.  You’re sitting at home and just about to start your homework.  You have Facebook open in the background to make sure you don’t work to efficiently; however, this time you really want to get this work done, so you decide to minimize Facebook, BY PRESSING THE LINE NEXT TO THE TWO BOWES NEXT TO THE X IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER!  The problem is, you forget to turn sound off and just as you are having the most incredible epiphany about the history paper you’ve been working on ever since you were a fetus, you hear Facebook telling you that some idiot didn’t write down the math homework.  You open the chat from that stupid friend and it says,

“hey!

do u kno wat the math hw is?”

 It sounds like a reasonable thing to ask right? But it’s not, I’ve got news for my stupid friend who asked me this question.  “You are worse than the frills on the end of paper when you rip it out of a notebook!  Don’t you think it would have been better for you to have written down the homework in class thereby avoiding this problem?” I know I’m not alone on this.  People, don’t be that person, just write down the homework in class and spare us common folk the trouble.

Post By: Ben L.

Edited By: Pat G.

Imma let you finish that thought but first I gotta say something: fuck that shit.  If I’m in class about to walk out and the teacher tells me the homework after I’ve already packed my bags and made a mad dash for the lunch line, I aint gon’ take my bags back out and write down the homework.  Uh uh, no, nOo, nOo, I aint never been bout that shit, never never been about that shit.  I aint gon’ write that down and that’s final.

I walk out of class and get stuff done like a boss, then after about a day and a half, it’s time to get started on my homework.  I’m sitting down at my computer and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  I know I have history first, and like 90% of classes the teacher doesn’t post the homework online.  I’m on Facebook, I don’t want to try to think about what the homework is so I search through my friends for someone who might be able to help with my situation.  I see my friend Tod, Tod is on facebook because he’s struggling to find a way to make it in this world and he hopes facebook will give him the answers to his problems, but in actuality it won’t, Tod will give me an answer to my problem over facebook.  I know Tod isn’t doing anything important (except maybe the homework) so I ask him “What’s the homework?”  To Tod this is very simple, Tod knows that the history assignment is to write a 20 page paper with at least 200 footnotes, about how unreasonable it would be for Tod to complain about having to type 50 words to tell me the homework.  I’m gunna continue to ask people for what the homework is and I am proud.

Post By: Pat G.

Bathroom Rules

So you’re going to the bathroom to urinate, you see your friend Tod, Tod is taking a pee because he is very nervous about his upcoming presentation on Queen Elizabeth, you know the rules, you don’t look at him, you don’t  speak to him.  You just go to your urinal and start peeing.  Your urine is clear, you’ve clearly been drinking a lot of water (pun intended).  You’re emitting those bodily fluids when Tod says “Hey.”  WTF, did Tod just speak to you while you were peeing, everybody knows you do not talk to a man while he pees.  Oh wait, some people (like Tod) don’t.  Bathroom rules are a crucial thing for everyone to know.

                The first rule of bathrooms is as follows:  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  That one is pretty self-explanatory so let’s move on to the second, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I had to say it again but I think now you get it, so on to the third, YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I don’t know how I can make this any clearer, you never talk to a man while he is peeing.  Actually, there is one situation where you can, if your friend Tod peeing, (his name does have to be Tod) and you see a wild panda bear preparing to eat some bamboo of which is poorly placed right in front of Tod’s face and you know for a fact that that panda will kill Tod if and only if he continues to pee then you may inform Tod of his situation, but  this is the only case under which it is acceptable to talk to a man as he pees.

                Now for the fourth rule: under no circumstances should you look at another man as he is peeing.  For this one you’re under honor code because if you’re looking at him he has to be looking at you to know that you were looking at him, but you just don’t do it (note- this rule applies to any and all looking).

                Now you’ve learned the important rules so the rest are going to be quick ones.

5.  Don’t take your pants off, I know this one sounds weird but to some people it seems necessary for your pants to be around your ankles to pee.

6.  Wash your hands.  This one’s really for you so don’t bother doing that dumb thing where you turn on the water and then turn it off really quick, everybody knows you didn’t wash your hands and you look dumb.

7.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  I just felt like I needed to remind you about that one again.

8.  Never criticize a man for taking a long pee.  I know it sounds weird but when you criticize him it’s just annoying and a little weird.

9.  Even if you’re not talking to anyone, don’t make noise with your mouth in the bathroom, it’s really annoying when you’re in your zone and you hear some ass-hole named Tod humming his favorite tune, and also you may disturb the other urinaters.

10.  YOU DO NOT TALK TO A MAN WHILE HE IS PEEING!  If you only remember one thing from this, it better be rule number 1, 2, 3, 7, and 9.


Post By: Pat G.

SMGDH at these stupid acronyms

Note- For best results read this one out-loud to yourself in the voice of Morgan Freeman, or Samuel Jackson.

Have you ever been on facebook, perusing through your newsfeed when you read a status from your friend Tod.  The status is something stupid like  “Yo, I got smh on my lol and DTF,” you look at this status and you’re sent into a rage, how could someone be so ignorant about common acronyms?  I know what you’re thinking and I’ve been there, you think it’s Tod’s fault and you really want to steal all of the grass from Tod’s yard leaving him only with dirt, but don’t, it’s not Tod’s fault, it’s everyone else’s for creating so many acronyms.

            I have a question, why do we need a shortened way to say “shake my head?”  Yeah I’ll admit it’s fun to say but honestly, who was saying “shake my head,” so much that they needed a shortened way to say it?  How low have we come, we can’t type “shake my head,” anymore, next thing you know people won’t be able to send rockets to the moon.  Honestly, that’s like having a short way to say “My shoe is untied,” it’s unnecessary and excessive, I bet in two years reading status’s will require a translator or manual. 

I don’t know about you but I actually think English is pretty good, but I do acknowledge that some of the acronyms are good, for example.  I would hate to have to say “I think that’s funny,” every time I thought something was funny, I acknowledge things like “lol, brb, gtg, nvm, etc.” are good, but I think we don’t need 8 different ways to say something is funny, I’m pretty sure we could do fine with just “lol.” But then again next time I’m stranded in a remote island and I have 5 seconds left of battery life on my i-phone and I need to make my facebook status  “Im at longitude 5 latitude 28 and I need to be saved as soon as possible,” I’ll say “dammit I guess we really did need an acronym for that one.” But until then I’m going to say we don’t need so many acronyms.


Post By: Pat G.

The Head Nod

             So you’re walking down the aisle in target.  On the pursuit of the perfect hand soap; you’ve narrowed it down and you’re deciding between suave cucumber melon, and Softsoap lemon.  You don’t have time to think so you just pick them both up and start walking towards checkout.  As you’re on your way you see your friend Tod walking.  Just before you pass him you say “hey Tod.”  Tod looks at you and gives you a quick head nod.  Like most people you are beyond confused about what has just happened.  No one knows how to interpret a head nod, actually, that’s not true, I know how to interpret a head nod and I’m willing to help.

            Obviously there are a lot of variables in interpreting a head nod but it can be done, we can isolate the variables, and when you’re in the moment you’re going to need good judgment too.

            First let me start by telling you what has no relevance: The actual head nod.  It is a common misconception that there is a difference between an upwards head nod and one that faces down, or a quick head nod and one that is slowly dragged out.  But these things are all just stylistic, different people just do their head nods differently.  The important thing is the circumstances that the head nod occurs in.

            One of the important parts is if the nodder is with people.  Let’s say Tod is walking with his friends Michael, Nick, and Alexandria.  He’s in some deep discussion about the concept of nothing, does it exist or doesn’t it, if so what is it?  We may never know the answer, but we do know that the head nod was harmless, Tod was busy and simply didn’t want to lose his train of thought.  If Tod was alone it would be another story, let’s say Tod is searching the aisles for a new Nerf gun to add to his collection.  Your “friend,” Tod, actually hates you, with that head nod Tod was actually saying “If you ever say ‘hey’ to me again, I will take every pair of socks that you own.”

            Another important variable is the distance between you and the head nodder at the time you said hey.  Let’s say there were less than 5 seconds between when you said hey and when you passed him.  This is generally harmless; Tod was probably thinking about his paper due tomorrow about whether or not the American revolution was a necessary war and he just couldn’t remember your name quickly enough.  But, if there were about 5 seconds or more between the time you said hey to Tod and the time you passed him then that’s b-b-bad news.  I would call this “code orange.”  There are two possibilities here, either: Tod doesn’t know your name, or Tod wants to make sure you know that you matter less than whatever is at the bottom of the abyss.    I pray for you that it’s not the latter.

            Now for the third and final factor, are you a boy or a girl?  Let’s say you’re a boy, you have played on Tods hockey team for two years now, you both share a passion for monopoly and you play often.  In fact, you, Tod, and two other friends are going to play tomorrow at 3:00 P.M., your fine, men don’t think about other men’s feelings, your friend Tod just didn’t want to let you get into his mind before your monopoly game so he avoided contact as best as possible.  Now, if you’re a girl it’s different, you should take out your sword and challenge Tod to a duel.  Tod knows about your need for his attention and he knows how much it would bug you if he made you question whether or not he knew your name.  By giving you the head nod Tod was playing mind games with you, and judging by the fact that you’re tirelessly searching the internet trying to figure out how to interpret his head nod, I would say it worked.  So, I know this is a lot to grasp, and for those of you who are only partially literate literate and need this piece shortened I will give you a quick cheat sheet.

If Tod is…

With people:  It’s good

Alone:  It’s bad

Almost passed you: it’s good

Far away: It’s bad

If you are…

Male: It’s good

Female:  It’s bad


Post By: Pat G.